tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8542574628098763240.post7066980892375598753..comments2017-02-25T04:29:58.268-08:00Comments on Cue My Muse: Pitch Critique - Michelle HauckHeatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18403083766515156655noreply@blogger.comBlogger54125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8542574628098763240.post-23146967387725934552014-03-03T18:12:12.541-08:002014-03-03T18:12:12.541-08:00Thank you so much, Michelle. Sending many good vib...Thank you so much, Michelle. Sending many good vibes your way :) Let me know if I can ever do anything for you in return!<br />TaraAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8542574628098763240.post-78047353489953547272014-03-02T07:53:25.963-08:002014-03-02T07:53:25.963-08:00Thanks Michelle, I really appreciate your comments...Thanks Michelle, I really appreciate your comments and will tweak a bit more before 3/10 :)Carl Hackmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03095336278626569509noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8542574628098763240.post-45500556133741483102014-03-02T07:28:38.872-08:002014-03-02T07:28:38.872-08:00One last try.
Maybe a mash up of your two pitches...One last try.<br /><br />Maybe a mash up of your two pitches while trying to cut down on the reuse of ‘wishes’ and throwing in a stronger verb or two.<br /> <br />After her mama’s death, 10yo Penny realizes not all wishes come true. When she discovers a magical garden where flowers represent wishes, Penny opens her heart to happiness in whatever form her desires achieve. <br />Michelle 4 Laughshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06876457259362839114noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8542574628098763240.post-67373644487866560742014-03-01T22:42:02.205-08:002014-03-01T22:42:02.205-08:00The query seems vague but when I am more specific,...The query seems vague but when I am more specific, it seems to make it confusing. Is is better to risk the confusion to make sure that the stakes are clearly defined?<br /><br />Jalana's surprise over learning that her boyfriend is an angel, is nothing compared to the shock of accidentally sending him across dimensions. This forces her into a war where she must end enslavement of humans.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16287034860939353962noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8542574628098763240.post-67087423229431232522014-03-01T22:30:13.144-08:002014-03-01T22:30:13.144-08:00Jalana's surprise over learning that her boyfr...Jalana's surprise over learning that her boyfriend is an angel, is nothing compared to the shock of accidentally sending him across dimensions. This forces her into a war with more at stake than she realizes.<br /><br />Adult Fantasy - SHRIVING FIREAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16287034860939353962noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8542574628098763240.post-1675332737073660822014-03-01T21:21:36.450-08:002014-03-01T21:21:36.450-08:00When Alex undertakes an internship with the Xavier...When Alex undertakes an internship with the Xavier Corporation, the last thing she expects is to be risking her future career to help a sentient cyborg, named Zentis, escape the iron-fist control of his creators. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00930734163224778588noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8542574628098763240.post-72467085692286839442014-03-01T20:24:17.331-08:002014-03-01T20:24:17.331-08:00Thank you so much, Michelle. We all really appreci...Thank you so much, Michelle. We all really appreciate your generosity and expertise!!Heatherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18403083766515156655noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8542574628098763240.post-75200124694116606532014-03-01T20:13:40.237-08:002014-03-01T20:13:40.237-08:00Michelle that's funny... Avery does use that t...Michelle that's funny... Avery does use that term in the book so maybe I can get away with it in this short pitch... although does that only count as one word ;)Joseph Millerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12712270182152823454noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8542574628098763240.post-78386963575463758782014-03-01T19:44:35.562-08:002014-03-01T19:44:35.562-08:00This one I have to let settle over night. The firs...This one I have to let settle over night. The first sentence just feels too busy. Too many Penny's. I'll try with a fresh head in the morning.Michelle 4 Laughshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06876457259362839114noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8542574628098763240.post-18189745960382101912014-03-01T19:38:29.228-08:002014-03-01T19:38:29.228-08:00Thanks for inviting me, Heather. It was a lot of f...Thanks for inviting me, Heather. It was a lot of fun. I'll be back tomorrow for one last look. Michelle 4 Laughshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06876457259362839114noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8542574628098763240.post-70017519024998544012014-03-01T19:36:32.062-08:002014-03-01T19:36:32.062-08:00When I used hell in my MG I went with H-E-double-h...When I used hell in my MG I went with H-E-double-hockey-sticks. Just something to consider. Good luck!Michelle 4 Laughshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06876457259362839114noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8542574628098763240.post-52415561434642044352014-03-01T17:12:31.553-08:002014-03-01T17:12:31.553-08:00This really does help. Thank you so much for your ...This really does help. Thank you so much for your time and knowledge. I have a much more solid direction to work in now and I really appreciate you helping me out!<br /><br />When spunky 10yo Penny's mama dies, Penny's belief in wishes die with her. When she discovers a magical garden where flowers are wishes, Penny opens her heart to finding happiness in whatever her wishes bring. <br /><br />Is that still too vague? She doesn't make wishes come true by believing, but she comes to accept that you can still be happy, even if all of your wishes don't come true. <br /><br />Thanks again! Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8542574628098763240.post-66119349872982894462014-03-01T16:24:52.307-08:002014-03-01T16:24:52.307-08:00Yes! Better! But keep in mind this doesn't giv...Yes! Better! But keep in mind this doesn't give us Gerald's motivation except maybe off screen. It also doesn't give us the stakes. <br /><br />This pitch gives more a snapshot of the beginning than an overall plot. Michelle 4 Laughshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06876457259362839114noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8542574628098763240.post-86075281501111007682014-03-01T16:22:42.239-08:002014-03-01T16:22:42.239-08:00Much better. Makes me want to know why the god is ...Much better. Makes me want to know why the god is hunting her, though. Does the god fear her ability to stop the war? Michelle 4 Laughshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06876457259362839114noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8542574628098763240.post-73778260773135283262014-03-01T16:20:07.036-08:002014-03-01T16:20:07.036-08:00I can really see how that would be nearly impossib...I can really see how that would be nearly impossible to distill into so few words. <br /><br />The sword that kills Devana transports her to an 18th century pirate ship and a new body. <br /><br />By 'returning home' do you mean her home city still in the borrowed body or home to her own dead body? I'm getting a little turned around. Maybe if I saw the query letter.Michelle 4 Laughshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06876457259362839114noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8542574628098763240.post-37524907782666206892014-03-01T16:14:40.133-08:002014-03-01T16:14:40.133-08:00This one feels much more unique than the old versi...This one feels much more unique than the old version. The older version sounded like something we've seen before. Evil dictators using humans. Rebel mother. Girl could be the key. You've been very specific with the new one and it made all the difference. Michelle 4 Laughshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06876457259362839114noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8542574628098763240.post-20969942365652378932014-03-01T16:10:42.462-08:002014-03-01T16:10:42.462-08:00I like this one the best. I'm probably getting...I like this one the best. I'm probably getting to close to it to give good feedback. You need fresh eyes now. Michelle 4 Laughshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06876457259362839114noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8542574628098763240.post-25918786619517063542014-03-01T15:27:46.557-08:002014-03-01T15:27:46.557-08:00I could technically say "magical prison"...I could technically say "magical prison" since Avery goes to Dante's Inferno, which is a magical prison in my setting, but I figure my MC would just call it Hell since that's essentially what it is. Hard to get across that tidbit in 35 words or less ;)<br /><br />Anyway, glad you like this version much better.Joseph Millerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12712270182152823454noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8542574628098763240.post-88782790804245145362014-03-01T15:16:02.577-08:002014-03-01T15:16:02.577-08:00Close she is resistant to it all together. I have ...Close she is resistant to it all together. I have clarified it a little, kind of changed the whole pitch. Thanks for all the feedback<br /><br /><br />Unbeknownst to eighteen-year old Isabelle, her dad inserted a vital DNA sequence into her blood that made her resistant to the immortalis virus but unlocked other capabilities that could prove to be the key to the war between the human and vampire race.<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8542574628098763240.post-17733709734901768382014-03-01T15:10:52.204-08:002014-03-01T15:10:52.204-08:00Thanks Michelle, am posting one more try. I know y...Thanks Michelle, am posting one more try. I know you have been doing this since noon so no worries if can't feed back. I appreciate every comment.<br /><br />Coree survives the alien purge to wake up on a new planet with elemental magic, strange tattoos and no memory. To save those she loves; she needs to remember what the hell is going on and fast.<br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11532896962462130555noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8542574628098763240.post-38230707872100232292014-03-01T13:54:59.472-08:002014-03-01T13:54:59.472-08:00Hi Michelle, thanks for the comment :)
Would thi...Hi Michelle, thanks for the comment :)<br /><br />Would this little tweak clarify it a bit better?<br /><br />Gerald was demoted an inch, which is pretty disastrous when a wizard's power is measured by his height. Surely a devastating earthquake, hurricane and escape of a dangerous wizard didn’t deserve that level of punishment.Carl Hackmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03095336278626569509noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8542574628098763240.post-47149462000442736492014-03-01T13:04:46.226-08:002014-03-01T13:04:46.226-08:00Thanks so much, Michelle! I see how the pitch is c...Thanks so much, Michelle! I see how the pitch is confusing. Devana is murdered in her past life, not the present life she's trying to return to. She travels to the point after she's murdered, into a resurrected body. How about this:<br /><br />The sword that kills her in a past life transports Devana to an 18th century pirate ship. Her elusive murderer could hold the key to returning home, but falling for the captain could jeopardize her search.<br /><br />I've written about fifty different versions and the words are all blurring together! Thanks again!Adriennehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07258263307771178398noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8542574628098763240.post-16100282045778826362014-03-01T13:04:32.645-08:002014-03-01T13:04:32.645-08:00Whoo. I'm following this much better now that ...<br />Whoo. I'm following this much better now that the motivation is there. But I'm wondering if Hell belongs in a MG pitch. That's assuming the book is for MG. Michelle 4 Laughshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06876457259362839114noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8542574628098763240.post-27883312580177198432014-03-01T12:55:09.665-08:002014-03-01T12:55:09.665-08:00I do like this better except for one thing. I pref...I do like this better except for one thing. I preferred when you led with the alien abduction. And there seems to be a verb tense mix up. <br /><br />Coree woke (wakes from an alien abduction) with elemental magic, strange tattoos and a headache. Which only got(gets) worse, when the aliens that(who) threw her away, came back(return) to finish the job (Nice voice). To survive, she needs to remember what the hell is going on.<br />Michelle 4 Laughshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06876457259362839114noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8542574628098763240.post-73121901365715065762014-03-01T12:53:47.486-08:002014-03-01T12:53:47.486-08:00Michelle,
Thanks for your comments. I'll keep...Michelle,<br /><br />Thanks for your comments. I'll keep them in mind as I work on this pitch. For those of you who want to comment on revised pitches. Here's one I came up with after Michelle's comments:<br /><br />11yo Avery stumbles into an inter-dimensional conspiracy involving scheming storybook villains trying to remake the world in their image. His only chance to hinder their plans is to free a wicked witch from Hell.<br /><br />Best Wishes,<br />JosephJoseph Millerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12712270182152823454noreply@blogger.com