Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Pitch Critique - SC Author

I'm so psyched - today we've got SC Author in the house!

For those of you don't, you should go follow him on Twitter: @SC Author. He's part of the team that runs the Query Kombat contest, and he just ran the very helpful Become An Agent contest and its following workshop.

I know he's a great CP because he looked at my query for me and had excellent advice.

So - get your pitches in! First 10 get critiqued.
After SC Author is finished with his round, feel free to comment as well. The more the merrier!

Here's how this works:

1) Post your pitch in the comments section.  Tell us your genre: YA, MG, or NA. And for reference, tell us your ms title.
2) The first 10 to post will get a critique from SC Author. As I said, after he leaves feedback, I hope others will leave feedback as well - the more the merrier.
3) Use the "reply" button to do this rather than making a new comment - I am hoping that will help us keep the feedback organized and easy to follow. Just to be sure, reference the ms title you're critiquing to minimize potential for mix up!
3) As always, please keep your feedback constructive, not mean.

For those of you polishing pitches for #PitchMadness Clue Edition hosted by Brenda Drake, Sharon Johnston, Summer Heacock, and Rebecca Weston, the contest rules and info are HERE .

64 comments:

  1. Adult. The Space Between

    When DEA agent Ellis fails to save her partner’s life during a botched drug-buy, Ellis tracks the taunting killer. However, she ends up on the wrong side of the gun and neck-deep in colleague betrayal.

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    1. The first sentence is FANTASTIC. It sets up Ellis's background, job, motivations, and biggest failure all in one. It beautifully sets up the novel's premise in a way I've rarely seen before. However, the second line falls completely flat. It is way, way too general and even clichéd which I know you can fix because your first line was so good. The phrases are clichéd and too general. Where are the details? Wrong side of whose gun? I know it may seem like a good idea to taunt but here, details are more important. Include maybe the set-up of a big betrayal. Make us THIRST to read on! You got the biggest part done: making us care for Ellis. Now you got to further our love and excitement in the second line. Good luck! Feel free to post a revision in reply to this, I'll take a look without it counting towards the 10 :)

      Delete
    2. I agree with the above. Great first line, but the second leaves me a little unsatisfied. I want to know who betrays Ellis and how she fights to overcome it. This would highlight your protagonist's strength. She sounds kick ass. I'd love that to come through in the second line.

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    3. Thanks SC Author and Holly for the ideas. It's obvious I don't know what to bring out in the 2nd half. I'll beat my head some more on the wall.

      Delete
  2. New Adult - Virtual Rage.

    When virtual reality turns gamers into athletes, Kali must lead her team to victory in the digital or kiss her career goodbye in reality. All while fighting the man after her heart... in both worlds.

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    1. Technically, this is good. Has a nice vision of the world Kali lives in, gives us background on Kali, clear and easy to understand. But it lacks heart. I think you tried getting the heart in the last line but her love interest seems to come out of the blue. There's not even a hint that the love is one of the main arcs in the novel; it's assumed that her only goal is her career. You see the problem? Kali needs a better motivation than just winning. It's too shallow of a motive for readers to really feel passionate about. But there is a greater drive: her love. I think you should restructure this pitch in making it more about Kali and her motivations rather than the world of gaming. Why does she want to win so badly? What's her flaws, her passions? Make us care for Kali; we WANT her to win. I think you hint at the idea that her love is involved in both worlds, meaning in the gaming world as well. That can be really, really interesting. We need a better idea of the conflict and how complex the conflict is. The better the conflict, the more we want to see how Kali brings herself out of it. Good luck! I'd be happy to see a revision :)

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    2. Thanks so much for the feedback! I’ve posted a revision below. While I wasn’t able to get the love interest into the first line, please let me know if I’m on the right track.

      In a future where gamers sacrifice their bodies and minds for fame, Kali fights to revolutionize a corrupted industry. To succeed, she’ll have to give the one thing she has left – her heart.

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    3. I think you are on the right track! You still need a few details, though. Corrupted in what way? And how will giving up her heart save the industry?

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    4. I think this rewrite is much, much better than the first version. I think the love story is the subplot. So maybe you shouldn't give it all the 2nd line. Does Kali want to change the industry or the public. Because it seems the public is what's giving the fame? Or explain in what way the industry is 'corrupted'. Because otherwise it does seem that her heart could literally be important...and not meaning referring to her love of a man. Maybe he has to be sacrificed? Or SHE has to be sacrificed?

      Hope this helps!

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    5. Big thanks to everyone for their suggestions. Yes, the love story is a subplot. I've reworked the pitch into something much more specific and tried to incorporate the suggestions above. Here it is:

      When Kali’s virtual teammate dies in reality, she realizes the callousness of her greed-fuelled industry. But to revolutionize virtual gaming, she must fight the man after her heart in both the real and digital worlds.

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    6. Ooo, I like this!! Try rewording the whole 'callousness...industry' because it can be reduced to something simpler, easier to read, and more powerful. Maybe, she realizes just how stupid she was in becoming obsessed with a fake reality. No, no, no, that is HORRIBLE don't use that.

      Add something as to why she wants to revolutionize the industry. Maybe, 'seeing people just like she used to be, she knows she's got to change this industry.' Also, add something as to why the man is standing in her way. Why must she fight him? What obstacle does he present?

      I know, it's a horrid lot to put into 35 words, but I think you can do it.

      Delete
    7. Argh. Stop challenging me right before bed! I'll never sleep.

      When Kali’s virtual teammate dies in reality, she discovers how shallow the gaming industry is. But her fight against what’s fake intersects a fight against real love across both worlds: the real and the digital.

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    8. NO SLEEP FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      I almost like your first pitch better. Almost. This part: "how shallow the gaming industry is" is a bit too general and almost cliched. I know, I know, I told you to go with something like that, but it was mainly because I myself didn't know how to make it not general :OOOO Make it sound interesting, new.... (Hehehe, good luck, my brain is fried! I'll think about it, though.) Right now, it falls flat.

      "But her fight against what’s fake" you haven't given us an idea about why she's fighting - OH, OH! I know what you can do about the previous cliched line. You can cut it, and instead say, "...reality, her grief is stemmed only by the fact that there are more people out there like Kali used to be: shallow, greedy, and obsessed with fake worlds while neglecting the read." WAYYY too long, but you'll be able to cut it down.

      IIIII am confused here: "fight against real love across both worlds" I'm still trying to reread the sentence but I don't understand it. Maybe we need to backtrack. Tell me about what this fight against real love is. (Literally, tell me. I want to know what this part of your story is about so I can see how to edit it.)

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    9. Now that I’m looking at this again, I like the previous one better too. Maybe I was sleep deprived. Not that I’m blaming anyone…

      I feel like I need to simplify. Seems like this is getting too cluttered for a 35-word pitch. I can cut the whole love aspect if necessary. It’s a major subplot, but not the focus of the novel. The main focus is Kali going up against the virtual reality industry that disposes of her dead teammate like a used tissue (I promise I will not make an analogy that bad again).

      Here’s the simplified version without the love interest involved. I think it works better.

      When her virtual teammate dies in the real world, superstar gamer Kali Ling fights in a digital tournament for his honor and discovers a new kind of fame in reality: as a role model.

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    10. I agree; the love subplot gone was a GREAT move! But this new. Pitch isn't working for me. It lost the facts that make us care for Kali: that she used to be the greedy obsessed person but the death of her teammate ended it for her. NOW, she's changed. Right now, the pitch seems too moralistic and Kali too much of a Mary Sue (which she isn't). Include the transition of Kali's character, and then talk about what she sees in the virtual world that sickens her and now she wants to change it. But you are getting closer and closer!

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    11. I feel like I’ve used up all my turns, and then some. But I think I might have it this time. When I read this with the first page, it just flows. I get tingles. Don’t take away the tingles!

      Winning. Nothing else matters to superstar gamer Kali Ling. But when her virtual teammate dies in reality, she trades fame for fighting in his honor against a greed-fuelled industry determined to stop her.

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    12. Nope. Tweaked it again. This is the smoother version.

      Winning. Nothing else matters to superstar gamer Kali. But when her virtual teammate dies in reality and no one cares, she trades fame for fighting in his honor against an industry determined to stop her.

      Delete
    13. SO MUCH BETTER. Now, add something about how Kali gets disillusioned and shaken back to reality. But the bigger problem is that we have no idea why the industry is trying to stop her. What's she doing?

      Delete
  3. YA. Sisters of the Beyond.

    Janna, a psychic teen, is stalked by Jim, a prankster spirit. But when her sister disappears, Janna must stop listening to Jim at her own peril and go into the Beyond against all her beliefs to save her sister.

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    1. You might not like hearing this but I say, scrap all mention of Jim. In this pitch, he contributes nothing to the overall arc. He's not really an obstacle, he's not integral to the plot (as I know of). I think he might be more important than this pitch is letting on, and that's why you want to include him. But as this pitch is structured right now, Jim just is a distraction and is taking up valuable word space. Now, the more interesting focus is as to why her sister disappears (you've got to hint at the reason—extra points if Janna is somehow connected to it). The reason this pitch isn't working is mostly because of unrelated or unexplained inclusions. The Beyond? We can infer as to what it is, so that's not horrible. But her beliefs? What are her beliefs? If we don't know her beliefs, how can we care and sympathize with Janna in that she's going against her beliefs? I think you are trying to fit your whole story in one pitch. It's, frankly, impossible. There's a reason books have about 80,000 words and pitches have less than 40. Don't try including all the themes into your pitch. Grab the most interesting one (usually, it's Janna's characterization and her arc) and tease us into wanting to see how it's all resolved. I say this many times: the most important thing to convey is the main character. You need to get us to love her and also, make us want to take the journey with her and find out how everything is resolved. Look at the above two pitches and my critiques for more guidance! Pitches can be such a headache, but keep working at it :) I'd be glad to see a revision! Good luck!

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    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    3. Oh, thank you. That was very helpful.
      I had a lot problem coming back to this site yesterday.
      I hope you'll come back today.

      Here is the revised log line:

      It is up to psychic Janna to save the day after her Ouija board makes her twin disappear. She either has to face ten years in jail for kidnapping or face her deepest fears, cross over and fight invisible bullies.

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    4. LOVE the first line. Oh wow, so so much better!! Love the ten years in jail, but you've got to tell us what her fears are. It's a cliched term 'face her deepest fears' and show us, instead of tell us, that her fear is of the supernatural.

      Delete
  4. After dying in a car accident, Abbie awakes in Purgatory. Mourning her own life, Abbie must adapt to a life on the streets where crime runs rampant and everyday is a struggle to survive.

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    Replies
    1. First line is solid. You might get some agents who are put off by the genre but that's nothing you can really control. The second line, however, is confusing, mainly because...she's already dead, right? Why does she have a struggle to survive if she's dead? Also, is she mourning her own life in that she led a bad life, or is she mourning the fact that she is dead? There are clarification issues. Now, the big part is that we don't know much about the world you've created—the world in Purgatory. I am confused about how there is crime and streets in Purgatory, but it holds the seeds of something INCREDIBLY unique that your novel has that most others in your genre don't. A Purgatory that exists like a crime-filled city? That's awesome! If this is the world you've created, highlight that. It's a practicality issue: you've got to highlight the unique aspects of your novel in such a tough genre.

      That's all for your world. Now: the character arc. Read the above pitches and my critiques to see how important it is that the reader cares about Abbie, wants to fix whatever conflict she has, and is interested in seeing the outcome. Wanting to find out how it all ends is basically the driving force behind any successful pitch. However, your pitch doesn't really set up a clear conflict. What does Abbie want beyond anything else? What is coming in her way? What does she have to lose if she doesn't accomplish her goal? Those three questions form a very strong starting point to any pitch. After you craft a pitch that answers those three questions (or hints towards an answer—for example, if Abbie's motivation and deepest desire is to live, you don't need to literally say that if she doesn't complete her task, what she has to lose is her life. That's obvious) then go ahead and get creative with your pitch. But you need the basics first. Good luck!!! I'd be happy to see a revision :)

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    2. Thanks for your comments :)

      I have revised:

      After dying in a car accident, Abbie awakes in the crime-filled city of Purgatory. To stay safe, Abbie reluctantly joins a gang and when she discovers their corrupt nature, she must fight for her freedom.

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    3. Get rid of 'reluctantly' and I wonder, if she joins a gang, should she know they're corrupt? I like your first line; great job at showing us the inciting event. I want to know more about the world (because it's Purgatory, there's got to be more to it than just a mundane city). The stakes are a bit too general, still. Fight for her freedom, discovers corrupt nature, etc. What is driving her to crave freedom? It can't just be because they're corrupt. What is the gang doing to her? Make us sympathize with her plight.

      Delete
  5. Tatum's spending the summer on house arrest for a crime she didn't commit. With her stepmonster as jailer, she starts a secret business that connects her with new friends, and a boy, who help her find her way to redemption.

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    Replies
    1. Forgot to add - YA contemporary inspired by Cinderella

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    2. Wow. This pitch is frankly very good! But there are problems in the second sentence. I mean, what's Tatum's arc? She's just creating a business to talk to other people? What redemption does she want? These words are too general and give us nothing to hold onto. You need to tell us what the secret business is. You need to tell us WHY she creates it, what's her goal? And you need to bring it back around, in the end, to the fact that the stepmom is waiting to pounce on her. That'll create a strong pitch. Right now, it's too general and not concrete enough. There is a way to entice interest without giving everything away. I think many people try to tease the reader in a pitch and instead, end up with general pitches which could describe many other stories. What is special about YOUR story? Your premise is solid. You just need to give us more details and actually create, or hint, at a character arc for Tatum. We already do sympathize with her (I mean, she's Cinderella) but your second sentence fizzles it away a bit. You've got us interested, now stab us in the throat (not literally, please). Make us DESPERATE to read on! You'll do that by adding details. Also, what might lead to a greater sense of injustice and sympathy for Tatum is if you tell us what crime she did not commit. Good luck, and I'd be happy to see a revision!

      Delete
  6. Contemporary YA retelling of Cyrano de Bergerac.

    When 17-year-old Cyra falls for the same guy as her best friend, she relents. No one dates girls with big thighs. But even as she chases fencing gold, Cyra can’t ignore her breaking heart.

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    1. I honestly am debating whether or not I should give critiques for this. The biggest thing I can see is that instead of 'relents' you can say something like 'stands aside' so that the image is stronger. But, gosh, I don't know. I really, really like this. It's quiet yet powerful. Maybe too quiet, I don't know. But it's very strong and I don't know if I should recommend making it stronger and bolder when the quietness is what draws me so much to it. Argfjwhx. I don't know!!!!! Let me get back to this after I've had time to think.

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    2. Maybe a sentence after it all, in the same quiet voice, saying something like, 'For the first time in her life, she might just have to act.' Not as dumb as that, but along the same lines! Quiet, but hinting at future conflict and motivations. This is stunning, though.

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    3. I agree. I don't just feel for this character... I ACHE for her! Well done.

      Delete
  7. YA SCI FI, The December Zone


    When Charlie’s sister becomes sick, the only medication available lies in a sealed aristocratic dome. But giving up who brought on the nuclear winter might be just enough, even if the culprit’s his father.

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    Replies
    1. It might just be me but it took me many retreads to understand the second sentence. I don't know why. Maybe the wording is unusual? How about, 'who started the nuclear' instead? And enough for what? Getting the medicine.

      Now, you have great stakes, but it's an odd result because the motivation is not included. The stakes, I think, is either lose his father or lose his sister. But we don't know if he cares (or even doesn't care) for his father. He's never introduced before. It reads almost like, oh, and his father might be the bad guy. The nuclear (can a winter be nuclear? How?) winter also springs up a little out of nowhere as though we were supposed to have known this winter was going on.

      The big thing is that this pitch has to be streamlined and simplified. We need a few questions answered: give us some background on this winter, tell us WHO this information should be given up to, and tell us why his father is so (un?)important to Charlie. We have to care about his dilemma, but the pitch is making us a little bit confused as to what the dilemma is. Is it the dystopian government? The winter? Father issues? I think there is a way to include all 3, but subtly. The winter and the government should serve as to give background about the world. The main themes are the sister and the father. Make us root for Charlie! This premise sounds very intriguing, though, and you've already got me rooting for Charlie in saving his sister! Good job, good luck, and feel free to post a revision :)

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    2. It's still a little rough I think but what about this?

      When Charlie’s sister Anna falls ill, saving her is paramount. The trick? Getting the medication from The President without confessing the orchestrator behind the nuclear disaster; his father. The Catch? Someone must take the fall.

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    3. I like it. Now, it's time to condense (which is the easier part!). Get rid of 'saving...trick.' Go along the lines of, '...ill, only the President has the medication to save her. But getting it without revealing that the person behind this city's nuclear disaster is Charlie's father...that's going to be tough.' Get rid of 'the catch...fall.' Of course, this is just my opinion, so feel free to disregard :)

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    4. Thanks so much! I love those changes. I think you're right, to not give away too much and the exact details (IE the fact its in a fortress, and such isn't really needed, since at the core it's a race against time/sister saving/coming to age story). Here is the final version I'm saving on my computer per your edits:

      When Charlie’s sister Anna falls ill, only the President has the medication to save her. But getting it without revealing that the person behind this city's nuclear disaster is Charlie's father...that's the hard part.

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    5. Sorry, I forgot to mention before! I think you need to talk about the nuclear disaster before, so we can get a 'oh crap!' moment at the reveal of it being the father. We need a grounding of the world and atmosphere.

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    6. Totally fine. never knew 35 words were so few! Apologies if i'm posting too much.

      When Nuclear radiation from the fallout infects Charlie's sister, only The President’s medicine can help. But getting it without revealing that the person behind this city's nuclear disaster is Charlie's father...that's the hard part.

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    7. I think this is much tighter now. I'm not sure why nuclear is capitalized in the first sentence, but I don't think it should be. It draws unnecessary attention. (Maybe it's just a typo. I don't know.) The one thing I'd suggest changing is the middle of the second sentence. I'd cut "behind this city's nuclear disaster" down to just "behind the disaster". We make the connection that the disaster created the nuclear radiation, so I feel there's no need to mention that twice. Plus, those extra words take away from the end of the sentence, which is the twist and exactly where you want our focus to be.

      I hope this helps!

      And I completely agree that 35 words is tough -- especially when you come up with something great at 36 words and there's nothing that can be cut!!

      Delete
    8. I agree with Holly! She's spot on. Also, why is 'The' in 'The President' capitalized? Nice work though! This is LOADS improved.

      Delete
  8. YA Contemporary

    Lark’s tired of life on the hippie commune. Mainstreaming’s awesome at first: cute boy, new experiences. But a pot bust and the threat of losing the idyllic life she’s known makes her question her choice.

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    Replies
    1. Love your use of 'Mainstreaming', I think it's clever and bitingly hilarious!!

      The pitch is confusing. First of all, Lark's gender isn't established soon enough which made the 'cute boy' line confusing to me. Only in the last few words do we get the gender. Any way to push feminine pronouns further up? I might just be dumb in not knowing if Lark is a girl or boy name :)

      What we need is an arc. There is a ghost of it here, but it needs to be much more concrete. Give us details about her life with hippies. I also am confused because, if she's left the hippie commune, why would a pot bust affect her? Is the arc a major theme about one's roots?

      Right now, I don't have enough information and details to critique further, so I'd love to see a revision! Right now, the pitch is too general and doesn't really tell us about your story. Good luck!

      Delete
  9. Am I too late?

    Adult/LGBT/Commercial Fiction

    Jacoby knew when he married Jimmy life was going to be rough; Jimmy was a drug addict and alcoholic. Then Jimmy goes off his psych meds…and Jacoby just might have to kill him (35 word pitch)

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    Replies
    1. Add something like, 'but if he takes his pills, day by day, he's the man Jacoby's always loved.' After 'alcoholic.' Something to that extent. And I'm not sure how I feel about the semicolon.

      Other than maybe adding something at the end to heighten the drama, make us feel Jacoby's emotions (and I'm not sure if this is necessary even), this is very very good. The last line made my eyebrows go up! That's the sign of a good pitch. I think you've got it and are very, very close, if not done :) But I'll still be willing to look at any revision! Good job! Nice outline of the conflict and the characters. I tried to get more of the motivations in by my suggestion, but it's good.

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    2. Would a colon be better instead of the semi-colon? It's a dual POV, first person book, so I'm always trying to shove both POVs in there =) to show the conflict. I'm glad it made you sit up and take notice!

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    3. It did! It was done very well :) And how about a dash? That might work better. I think a colon wouldn't work because both sides aren't complete sentences.

      Delete
  10. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  11. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    Replies
    1. Wait, no, come back!!! I was going to do your critique today. Sorry for not getting to it yesterday, I didn't think I had the mental energy to do a good one! But I'm fresh and ready to go now :)

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  12. YA UF/PN- NEOPHYTE

    After sacrificing her life to save a friend, Addisyn's angelic afterlife should be all clouds, halos, and harps. If only someone had mentioned that to the dark-winged angel manipulating her to incite a war.

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    1. This is awesome. Now, the second line needs working. I think you're trying to add voice into it but you need to push it further. Maybe, "Now, someone needs to tell that to the damn dark angel manipulating her into starting a heavenly war," or something like that. But this is very well done!

      Delete
  13. I just wanted to say ankhs to all of you guys! You've helped me become a better pitch writer as well. Hopefully my critiques were helpful and not full of crap! Good luck, guys! I'll still be looking at revisions.

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  14. Ok, since you're still checking in, can I try?

    Murder, radical science. and ancient Peruvian temples meet when two psychic teens discover they’re pawns in an old feud. They're being hunted; to survive they must derail plot to kill hundreds of innocents - including them.

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    1. No problem!

      The problem in this pitch is that there are too many details that are dropped then never explained. Radical science, ancient temples, the fact that the teens are psychic, why are they being hunted, what is this plot and what is motivating it....


      Simply, the details that are included are not the important details. Meaning, they aren't really explained or expanded upon. What is the main conflict? Who are the main characters? What do they want? What's coming in their way? WHY?

      Choose your details decisively: just the details that answer the above questions :)

      Delete
  15. Excellent. Thank you. (Drinks a shot of bourbon) (SMILE) Ok - here we go again!!!

    Two psychic teens learn they are targets in a feud pitting their families against former friends. They must use their scientifically created gifts to survive and expose their enemies’ murderous habits. Otherwise they die.

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    1. This is better. But pitch writing is so freaking hard!!!

      The first sentence is a bit confusing. So much going on...but we have no idea why. What's the feud about? What you're giving us is the actions: we need motivations. The heart. We still don't know who the murderers are, what their goal is, heck, we don't know the teens' goals or what they're fighting for.

      This stuff is hard :( But keep going, you're getting there!

      Delete
  16. You are SO SO kind to keep at this. Please excuse yourself if you have grown too weary!!

    We are all so very grateful for your above-and-beyond time spent.

    NOTE: This is NOT an invitation to leave - if you are still game to play, we are all INDEBTED and - as you can see by the volume of continued posting - still very much benefiting from your feedback.

    My head is swimming - I've been working on this ALL AFTERNOON, so it could be complete crap.
    BUT here's this:

    Leila and Dane suddenly become psychic. Then they’re attacked and now they’re on the run. Their powers are connected to the danger but if they can’t figure out why - or who - they won’t survive.

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  17. OK strike this entry. I'm going to sleep on it and try again.
    Sorry everyone!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Leila and Dane suddenly become psychic. Then they’re attacked, endangered by their families’ legacy of murder, radical science. The talents are linked to the threat, but how? If they can’t find out soon, they die.

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    1. OOOooo I like this a LOT better!!! This hints at amazing depths of plot complexities; is the family a mob family, maybe? The first second leaves some details confused - are they telepathic, telekenetic, can tell the future? Psychic has a lot under its category. If you can give us some sort of hint as to how they become psychic, that'd be great as well.

      For the second sentence, I think it should be restructured so the second phrase (after the comma) comes first, and the first phrase comes last.

      What is the 'threat'? Maybe reword it to 'attackers'?

      This pitch makes your story seem so much more interesting because mob/secret families are AWESOME. There are still some details to be ironed out, some confusions left over.

      Good job! This is much better.

      Delete
  19. Thank you so much!!!!

    And with that - I am officially saluting you "Good Night" and extending the group thanks for your continued hard work.

    Those of you who still want to post revisions - please do so!! But lets look for some fresh eyes now. SC Author has been SO dedicated to our creative process for almost a week now ... we need to let him get back to his own work.

    :)

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