Michelle Hauck is with us today - yay!
For those of
you don't, you should go follow her on Twitter: @Michelle4laughs. She was
the "Snow" half of the "Sun vs Snow" contest last month - a terrific
contest that resulted in many requests!! She also hosts Query Kombat and Nightmare on Query Street.
She's a great writer and gives really smart, targeted feedback - I know because I've had the benefit of her critiques!!!
So - get your pitches in! First 10 get critiqued. For those of you getting ready for #PitchMadness, remember your pitches need to be 35 words - that's a little different from the traditional pitch party of 140 words.
After Michelle is finished with her round, feel free to comment as well. The more the merrier!
Here's how this works:
1) Post your pitch in the comments section. Tell us your genre: YA, MG, or NA. And for reference, tell us your ms title.
2)
The first 10 to post will get a critique from Michelle. As I said, after she
leaves feedback, I hope others will leave feedback as well - the more
the merrier.
3) Use the "reply" button to do this rather than
making a new comment - I am hoping that will help us keep the feedback
organized and easy to follow. Just to be sure, reference the ms title
you're critiquing to minimize potential for mix up!
3) As always, please keep your feedback constructive, not mean.
For
those of you polishing pitches for #PitchMadness Clue Edition hosted by
Brenda Drake, Sharon Johnston, Summer Heacock, and Rebecca Weston, the
contest rules and info are HERE .
Coree survives the alien Imani purge only to wake with magic, marks and an opportunity for HEA. An opportunity the Imani can’t allow, for she can never be allowed to remember...
ReplyDeleteRemember - NA Sci/Fi Fantasy
Thanks for any feedback
Hi Colleen, Here's my best shot at your pitch. It seemed a little vague in spots. It can be hard to fit the details into so few characters. The first spot definitely caught my attention. I'd also call it NA Sci/Fi and drop the fantasy.
DeleteCoree survives the alien Imani (Not sure you need the Imani name since it doesn’t tell us anything about them.) purge only to wake with magic(Can you add an adjective to give us the idea of what kind of magic), marks (scars? tattoos? something that gives us more of an idea.) and an opportunity for HEA(First off everyone would have to know HEA means happily ever after. Second, this is vague. Does it mean a man or to save the world?). An opportunity the Imani can’t allow, for she can never be allowed (Pitches are so short. I’d say to avoid repeating any verb.) to remember...
I like the start. Alien abduction is full of possibilities. Then magic and marks is a little vague. Can you specify what type of magic? Earth magic? elemental magic? magnetic magic? healing magic? Also define the HEA. Save the world? Find love? Rescue her family? Overthrow the Imani? Are the marks some kind of language? Maybe something like linguistic tattoos?
The second sentence drops off into vagueness. For sure change the echo on ‘allow’ and ‘allowed.’ This sentence is basically only telling us the Imani don’t want her to succeed. That’s probably an understood factor to an agent. Consider focusing on what will they do to stop her? Or what she has to overcome if that is more interesting.
Corree survives the alien purge to wake with wild magic, strange linguistic tattoos and an opportunity to overthrow the new overlords. If only she can clear the cobwebs they imprinted in her brain.
Thanks for the feedback Michelle, I struggle with what to reveal without being vague and being short. Wordy is no problem!
DeleteHow do you like this?
Coree woke with elemental magic, strange tattoos and a headache. Which only got worse, when the aliens that threw her away, came back to finish the job. To survive, she needs to remember what the hell is going on.
NA Sci/Fi with romantic elements.
I do like this better except for one thing. I preferred when you led with the alien abduction. And there seems to be a verb tense mix up.
DeleteCoree woke (wakes from an alien abduction) with elemental magic, strange tattoos and a headache. Which only got(gets) worse, when the aliens that(who) threw her away, came back(return) to finish the job (Nice voice). To survive, she needs to remember what the hell is going on.
Thanks Michelle, am posting one more try. I know you have been doing this since noon so no worries if can't feed back. I appreciate every comment.
DeleteCoree survives the alien purge to wake up on a new planet with elemental magic, strange tattoos and no memory. To save those she loves; she needs to remember what the hell is going on and fast.
I like this one the best. I'm probably getting to close to it to give good feedback. You need fresh eyes now.
DeleteMG Magical Realism: THE WISH GARDEN
ReplyDeleteAfter her mama’s death, Penny realizes for the first time not all wishes come true, but the discovery of a garden where each flower is someone’s wish shows Penny how to believe again.
There is something sweet and simple about this pitch. It touches the heart.
DeleteAfter her mama’s death, Penny(an age would help) realizes for the first time not all wishes come true, (I’d break this into two sentences.) but the discovery of a garden where each flower is someone’s wish(I would like a better idea of what Penny would do in the garden.) shows (I’d go for a stronger verb.) Penny how to believe again(Nice sentiment but also vague. Maybe the second part of this sentence could give us what Penny wants. Her motivation.)
I think the first part of this pitch could be reorganized to cut some of the words: 12yo Penny loses her mama forever and discovers wishes don’t come true. Then you have room to add an adjective to describe Penny. 12yo tomboy Penny loses her mama forever and discovers wishes don’t come true.
Then in the second sentence get what Penny can do in the garden. Perhaps she has to make the wishes come true by believing. A magic garden where flowers are someone’s wish prompts Penny to open her heart and make them happen.
Hope this helps in a small way.
This really does help. Thank you so much for your time and knowledge. I have a much more solid direction to work in now and I really appreciate you helping me out!
DeleteWhen spunky 10yo Penny's mama dies, Penny's belief in wishes die with her. When she discovers a magical garden where flowers are wishes, Penny opens her heart to finding happiness in whatever her wishes bring.
Is that still too vague? She doesn't make wishes come true by believing, but she comes to accept that you can still be happy, even if all of your wishes don't come true.
Thanks again!
This one I have to let settle over night. The first sentence just feels too busy. Too many Penny's. I'll try with a fresh head in the morning.
DeleteOne last try.
DeleteMaybe a mash up of your two pitches while trying to cut down on the reuse of ‘wishes’ and throwing in a stronger verb or two.
After her mama’s death, 10yo Penny realizes not all wishes come true. When she discovers a magical garden where flowers represent wishes, Penny opens her heart to happiness in whatever form her desires achieve.
Thank you so much, Michelle. Sending many good vibes your way :) Let me know if I can ever do anything for you in return!
DeleteTara
Isabelle lives trapped in the walled city of the vampires, who herd humans like cattle. Until the day she finds out all she knew about her family was a lie, and that with her blood, she could tip the scales in this war.
ReplyDeleteNA Urban Fantasy - No More Walls
I like the strong verbs used in this pitch. There are some very good descriptions going on that makes me feel myself inside the story.
DeleteIsabelle lives trapped in the walled city(nice detail) of the vampires, who herd(like this strong verb though the idea has been used before) humans like cattle. Until the day she finds out all she knew about her family was a lie(Generic. I need to know more. Is she a human or a vampire?), and that with her blood, she could tip the scales in this war(I didn’t know there was a war. Sounded like the humans were slaves, not rebels.)
My worry with this pitch (besides the vague spots) is that vampires are a touch sell nowadays. Perhaps it would be better to leave that aspect out of the pitch altogether.
Isabella lives trapped in a walled city of immortals, who herd resisting humans like cattle(Maybe go with a more unique idea like who control the resisting humans as their food source). Until she finds her family lied. She’s blankty whatsit and her blood can tip the scales for the humans.
Hope this helps in some small way.
Opps. It should say 'tough sell.' My bad.
DeleteIsabelle lives trapped in the walled city of the immortals, who herd humans for food. Until the day she finds out her mother lives and fights for their freedom, and that her blood could prove to be the key to tipping the scales in the human’s favor.
DeleteI’m curious if Isabelle is a half blood. That would be my guess anyway.
DeleteIsabelle lives trapped in the walled city of the immortals, who herd humans for food. Until the day(cut ‘the day’) she finds out(cut out) her mother lives and fights for their freedom, and that her blood could prove to be the key to tipping the scales in the human’s favor.
Maybe something like: Isabelle lives trapped in the walled city of immortals, who herd humans for food. She’s unwanted and uncaring until she finds her mother alive and a rebel. Isabelle’s mixed blood could be the key to tipping the scales in the human’s favor.
Close she is resistant to it all together. I have clarified it a little, kind of changed the whole pitch. Thanks for all the feedback
DeleteUnbeknownst to eighteen-year old Isabelle, her dad inserted a vital DNA sequence into her blood that made her resistant to the immortalis virus but unlocked other capabilities that could prove to be the key to the war between the human and vampire race.
This one feels much more unique than the old version. The older version sounded like something we've seen before. Evil dictators using humans. Rebel mother. Girl could be the key. You've been very specific with the new one and it made all the difference.
DeleteEisa is the last heir to the Kingdom--and the only one who’d rather die than rule. When her adoptive father is captured, she journeys to the Kingdom she abandoned, risking her freedom for his.
ReplyDeleteYA High Fantasy--ACROSS THE SALT AND SAND
Epic fantasy is my favorite genre. Knuckles down to do my best. Seems like this could use some voice and attitude.
DeleteEisa(Try and fit an age.) is the last heir to the Kingdom--and the only one who’d rather die than rule.(I think this is missing the properties that make your story unique. There are lots of stories about heirs who don’t want the job. What makes Eisa different? Is there something she’d rather do?) When her adoptive father is captured, she journeys to the Kingdom she abandoned(So she’s run away. That’s something to use.), risking her freedom for his.
17yo fiddle-player Eisa runs away rather than play heir to the Kingdom. Someone else can have the job, thank you very much. When her adoptive father is captured, she changes her tune and returns to risk her freedom for his.
Hope this helps in some small way.
Thank you! How is this? Better?
Delete17yo Princess Eisa lives in hiding, plotting the King’s death. Better that than slaving to his games. When her adoptive father is captured, she’s thrust into another game where to win, she could lose everything.
17yo Princess Eisa lives in hiding, plotting the King’s death.(Now I want to know why. Why hide? Why plot?) Better that than slaving to his games(Would those be lecherous games? That would explain why she’s hiding. But sounds like he’s her true father so I hope that’s not the reason.). When her adoptive father is captured, she’s thrust into another game where to win, she could lose everything. (I’m afraid this last sentence is still cliché instead of giving us specific details about what is happening.)
DeleteConsider: 17yo Princess Eisa would rather hide than play the king’s deadly game of succession roulette.
35 Word pitch:
ReplyDeleteNeo-hippie Lark rebels from her commune in a big way when she registers for public school. She never thought she’d fall for a mainstream boy. Or that she’d lose the world she knew.
150 word pitch/query letter:
Lark is the perfect hippie, growing up on a picturesque commune with her nine siblings, celebrating individuality, frolicking in peace and free love. Except, she’s sick of it all. At sixteen, she’s over this life of permissive parents and low expectations. She wants to experience life on the grid and challenge herself. She takes a leap and registers for public school.
The mainstream is full of surprises. She even meets a boy she can be serious about. Jeremiah’s genuine and kind. And a Republican. Navigating a relationship with a mainstreamer is difficult, especially when he rejects her advances. Ouch.
But Jeremiah accepts her as she is. When the commune begins to crumble (drug bust), and Lark starts to unravel like her father (PTSD), he becomes the rock she never knew she needed. With the future uncertain, Lark must learn to accept help and to be herself no matter the outcome.
Hi Olivia!
DeleteThanks for participating. Just a note - Michelle is only critiquing the short pitches. Maybe another time we can have a query critique workshop - I'd love that too.
I really like this. The last sentence seems to be the weakest part.
DeleteNeo-hippie(Not sure I know what a neo-hippie is. Hippie yes.) Lark rebels from her commune in a big way when she registers for public school. (This is new and interesting.) She never thought she’d fall for a mainstream boy. Or that she’d lose the world she knew.(The last sentence doesn’t have quite the same zing. It is more of a fact accomplished than the opened ended possibility you need in a pitch.)
Consider: Neo-hippie Lark rebels from her commune in a big way when she registers for public school. Even falling for a mainstream boy, a –gasp—Republican. But does she have to lose the world she knew.
Transported to a past life on a pirate ship, Devana must uncover her murderer amidst a brewing mutiny. But when she falls for the captain, saving his life means losing her only way home.
ReplyDeleteAdult Historical Fantasy- FORTUNE
This has some really cool features. I think it could stand out! But I'm confused about a few things. And finding out she was dead at the end of the first sentence threw me. I'd rather have that sooner.
DeleteTransported to a past life(Does this mean her past life or a random life? And how did she get this second chance?) on a pirate ship, Devana must uncover her murderer(So she’s dead?) amidst a brewing mutiny. But when she falls for the captain, saving his life means losing her only way home(She wants to go home or she wants to be alive again? I’m a little confused about her motivation.)
I’d like to see you bring murdered to the front. That seems like the key aspect. Maybe a simple rearranging.
Murdered, Devana gets a second chance, transported to her past life on a pirate ship. She must find her killer amidst a brewing mutiny. But falling for the besieged captain could jeopardize her only chance.
Hope this helps in some small way.
Thanks so much, Michelle! I see how the pitch is confusing. Devana is murdered in her past life, not the present life she's trying to return to. She travels to the point after she's murdered, into a resurrected body. How about this:
DeleteThe sword that kills her in a past life transports Devana to an 18th century pirate ship. Her elusive murderer could hold the key to returning home, but falling for the captain could jeopardize her search.
I've written about fifty different versions and the words are all blurring together! Thanks again!
I can really see how that would be nearly impossible to distill into so few words.
DeleteThe sword that kills Devana transports her to an 18th century pirate ship and a new body.
By 'returning home' do you mean her home city still in the borrowed body or home to her own dead body? I'm getting a little turned around. Maybe if I saw the query letter.
17 y/o Saekina is at the center of a war between the gods. It only took her a hundred lifetimes to realize it
ReplyDeleteYA Fantasy
This is good, but I'd encourage you to expand it a little. Add some voice or some details--since you only have 27 words. You have 8 more words you could use!
DeleteTitle: Dark Core
DeleteI'm not sure how to add words without shooting over the limit.
DeleteThis pitch isn’t telling us enough. What are the gods fighting over? I assume Seakina is one of them since she lives so long. What does she want? What does she have to do to get it?
Delete17 y/o Saekina is at the center of a war between the gods. It only took her a hundred lifetimes to realize it (You’re giving too much time to this. Let’s see if we can cut down the words to give you more space. I’m also wondering why it took her so long to figure it out.)
After a hundred lifetimes, 17yo Saekina is tired of being in the center of the gods’ war. She wants out even if it means killing them all or taking away their powers or unfriending them on Facebook.
I hope this helps in a small way.
Seventeen year-old Saekina has been hunted through endless reincarnations by one of the gods. When she uncovers a secret war between them, she finally has the chance to end it.
DeleteMuch better. Makes me want to know why the god is hunting her, though. Does the god fear her ability to stop the war?
DeleteGerald just shrank an inch, which is pretty disastrous when a wizard's power is measured by his height. Surely a devastating earthquake, hurricane and escape of a dangerous wizard didn’t deserve that level of punishment.
ReplyDeleteUpper MG, Humorous Fantasy
First off the connection between your sentences isn’t obvious. It isn’t understood that shrinking was a punishment. I know it because I’ve seen the query. Other than that I love the concept of this story!
DeleteGerald’s punishment for causing an earthquake and releasing a dangerous wizard is losing an inch of height. Pretty devastating when a wizard’s power is measured by stature. He’ll do whatever it takes to stand tall.
Hi Michelle, thanks for the comment :)
DeleteWould this little tweak clarify it a bit better?
Gerald was demoted an inch, which is pretty disastrous when a wizard's power is measured by his height. Surely a devastating earthquake, hurricane and escape of a dangerous wizard didn’t deserve that level of punishment.
Yes! Better! But keep in mind this doesn't give us Gerald's motivation except maybe off screen. It also doesn't give us the stakes.
DeleteThis pitch gives more a snapshot of the beginning than an overall plot.
Thanks Michelle, I really appreciate your comments and will tweak a bit more before 3/10 :)
DeleteWhen eleven-year-old Avery Mann stumbles into an inter-dimensional conspiracy involving wise-guy magi, scheming witches, and storybook villains come to life, his only chance to escape is to go on an adventure to Hell and back.
ReplyDeleteI can see by the age that this must be MG. You can shorten the word count by using 11yo. I do like the details in the first part but that does take most of the room to give us more in the second half, leaving the second part generic. What exactly is the conspiracy up to? What does Avery have to do to stop them?
DeleteWhen(cut) eleven-year-old Avery Mann(Cut the last name. though A(e)very Mann is cute, it takes room.) stumbles into an inter-dimensional conspiracy involving wise-guy magi, scheming witches, and storybook villains come to life(But I’m afraid I don’t know what the conspiracy is about. What exactly do they want?), his only chance to escape(by escape do you mean get home?) is to go on an adventure to Hell and back(Can you be more specific? I’m not sure if he has to solve a crime or make them behave or simply find an exit.)
11yo Avery stumbles into an inter-dimensional conspiracy of wise-guy magi and scheming storybook villains trying to blank. His only hope to go home means blank.
I hope this helps in some small way.
Michelle,
DeleteThanks for your comments. I'll keep them in mind as I work on this pitch. For those of you who want to comment on revised pitches. Here's one I came up with after Michelle's comments:
11yo Avery stumbles into an inter-dimensional conspiracy involving scheming storybook villains trying to remake the world in their image. His only chance to hinder their plans is to free a wicked witch from Hell.
Best Wishes,
Joseph
DeleteWhoo. I'm following this much better now that the motivation is there. But I'm wondering if Hell belongs in a MG pitch. That's assuming the book is for MG.
I could technically say "magical prison" since Avery goes to Dante's Inferno, which is a magical prison in my setting, but I figure my MC would just call it Hell since that's essentially what it is. Hard to get across that tidbit in 35 words or less ;)
DeleteAnyway, glad you like this version much better.
When I used hell in my MG I went with H-E-double-hockey-sticks. Just something to consider. Good luck!
DeleteMichelle that's funny... Avery does use that term in the book so maybe I can get away with it in this short pitch... although does that only count as one word ;)
DeleteThanks for inviting me, Heather. It was a lot of fun. I'll be back tomorrow for one last look.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Michelle. We all really appreciate your generosity and expertise!!
DeleteWhen Alex undertakes an internship with the Xavier Corporation, the last thing she expects is to be risking her future career to help a sentient cyborg, named Zentis, escape the iron-fist control of his creators.
ReplyDeleteJalana's surprise over learning that her boyfriend is an angel, is nothing compared to the shock of accidentally sending him across dimensions. This forces her into a war with more at stake than she realizes.
ReplyDeleteAdult Fantasy - SHRIVING FIRE
The query seems vague but when I am more specific, it seems to make it confusing. Is is better to risk the confusion to make sure that the stakes are clearly defined?
DeleteJalana's surprise over learning that her boyfriend is an angel, is nothing compared to the shock of accidentally sending him across dimensions. This forces her into a war where she must end enslavement of humans.