Holiday Query Blog Hop -- SPOOKY JANE

Another blog hop critiquing opportunity!! Once again, Michelle Hauck is sponsoring this terrific opportunity to give and get invaluable feedback.

Want to know how it works? Look here:

Here's my REVISED query -- looking forward to making it bright and shiny when I see all your feedback. 

Dear Brilliant Agent,

Twelve-year-old Ivy Jane is thrilled when her family stops moving around and settles in the Minnesota town where her close-knit clan of cousins lives. It’s nice to finally be around people who are like her – they’re a family with the unusual gift of being able to keep anything alive. But even more important is the chance to be in on the inside jokes instead of always the lonely outsider.

But immediately, things get spooky. People standing too close to Ivy suddenly feel sick and have bone-chilling hallucinations. She has walking blackouts where she takes on a different personality – but remembers nothing afterward. She hears voices in her head and because she acts so strange, they’re the only ones talking to her.    

Then the voices actually introduce themselves, which is when she learns she’s not crazy, just the unlucky gateway for some troubled family ghosts. They are the ones in control during Ivy’s blackouts, and through her, they’re growing stronger. But they’re also killing her. The only way to save herself will be to untangle her family’s power over life from its apparent connection to the spirit of death.  But to do that, she’ll need the help of her cousins, who are leery of being around her. Besides, they don’t believe in ghosts.

SPOOKY JANE is an in-progress Upper MG Paranormal. It echoes elements of television’s SLEEPY HOLLOW – written for a younger crowd – and the themes of haunting and family in Mary Downing Hahn’s ALL THE LOVELY BAD ONES. 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

#PitchMadness Lessons Learned

First, let me say a HUGE congratulations to those who earned the 60 slots in the agent round. Well done, writers, WELL DONE. So happy for you!

For those of us who didn't make it this time: you've heard it before, but I'm going to repeat:
Don't. Give. Up.
(I say that as much for myself as everyone else). It's tempting to feel fatally discouraged, but,
Don't.
Just Keep Writing, Keep Querying.

As we all know, the #PitchMadness feed during the slush read was a treasure trove of good advice, but sometimes hard to follow because there were so many other conversations happening simultaneously.

L.L. McKinney - otherwise known as @Tangynt - graciously agreed to distill some of her thoughts for us.

Before I get started, want to be clear that anything said is my personal viewpoint on the matter. I am no expert of final authority in any case, and my opinions are my own.

1) What were the top 5 problems/weaknesses you saw in pitches?

Vague phrases or terms that don't give the reader a sense of the story. Saying the character has to face evil, defeat darkness, will risk it all, discover mysterious pasts or secrets tells the reader nothing. This goes for saying someone's world was turned upside down/rocked, or their lives will "never be the same" as well. These describe almost every book ever written in some way. Trying to be mysterious often results in being unclear, confusing, or downright boring. Details set stories apart. 

No mention of the stakes. What does the character have to lose if they don't take action? Saying a character must solve a mystery, uncover a truth, discover what it means to be loved, unlock their past, is only part of the equation. That's the setup, and people tended to stop there. Follow through! Tell the reader WHY all of this happens.They why is often the draw.

Too much/little information. Everything in moderation and all of that. The pitch is to hook the reader and provide a glimpse of what the book is about, not tell the whole story. Manuscripts are complex things with colorful casts, complex plots, and interlocking subplots, but all of that cannot be squeezed into a pitch and folks shouldn't even try. Pick the MAIN conflict and goal and focus on that. The rest will be revealed when the book is read. On the flip side, there's a balance to these things and not giving enough info is just as bad as packing it in too tight. Refer to the previous statement about trying to be mysterious.

Rhetorical questions. Sometimes they work, most of the time they don't. Especially if said question is put to the reader in a "what if you/your" phrasing. "What if you met the love of your life one night but didn't get his name or number?" Firstly, I know exactly what I would do, so ends any mystery about it all. Secondly, this isn't about me, it's about this character, who I now know nothing about.

This meets That pitches. Comparisons are great, don't get me wrong, but if I've not read the book or seen the show/movie, I have no idea what to think of a manuscript. Using widely known stories for comparison will help. Some agents/editors auto-reject if a current worldwide bestseller is used, say The Mortal Instruments meets The Hunger Games. This doesn't bother me personally, but to avoid said auto-reject try substituting a popular story for one that's well known. Buffy meets Thunderdome for instance. Both are well known, but neither are part of any current trend fever.

2) Top 5 problems/weaknesses in first 250?

Passive voice. The ball was thrown: passive. He threw the ball: active. It can be taken further with verb choice. He hurled/chucked/lobbed/tossed/flung the ball.

They were standing in the hall: passive. They stood in the hall: active. Verb choice, they milled/gathered/congregated in the hall.

Research passive and active voice to get rid of the former and better utilize the latter.

Telling instead of showing. Saying a character is scared, or embarrassed, or angry doesn't pain a picture for the reader. Show them trembling as they crouch in a corner, heat branding their face while they can't make eye contact, or their fingers curl into fists as their jaw clenches around a curse.The same works for setting. "It's cold" should be icy temperatures biting exposed skin or eating through layers of cloth.

Vocabulary unique to the world or story that isn't explained. This was a big thing with fantasy and science fiction stories more than others. Made up words and such is totally fine, but without context clues to help the reader understand what's going on/being said, the story may as well be written in another language altogether. That goes for steampunk and such as well.

Prose in need of tightening. The internet is full of lists containing ugly/fluff words unnecessary in writing. They take up space and slow the pace. For instance: 

"She blinked her eyes as she backed away from him, certain that he was the one who killed those other women."

"She recoiled, certain he'd killed those women."

The sentence is physically shorter and reads quicker.

Info dumping was another issue. This can cover a lot of things, but I'll focus on two that cropped up the most, in my opinion: Lots of description, and background information.

Personally, I don't need a paragraph containing every detail of the character's appearance on the first page. Hair color and length, eye color, height, weight, etc., work that stuff in as you go along, and those aren't the important bits in this moment. Give me a name, gender, where they are, how old they are, and who they're with. Those last two can even come a little later, but not too far.

Keep in mind how any time taken to describe something or someone is time taken from the action. Imagine watching a movie, and it's getting good. You're on the edge of your seat, attention rapt. Then the person you're watching the movie with pauses it to point out/explain something about the character, or the setting, or how this guy is like this because blah-blah-blah happened to him in the past. 

I've gone into full blown melt-your-face mode on people for pulling me out of the story/world with stunts like that. Am I going to miss anything without their explanation? Is the information they have to share that important right now? Half the time the explanation given is something like "But I want to make sure you understood what was going on so you wouldn't miss the big picture." Thanks, but I got it.

3) Since we learn so much about our own writing when critiquing others, did you have any special "aha" moments that made you want to go back and edit something in your current WiPs?

Nothing in particular. I tend to go back and look for everything I mentioned and more when editing because--whether folks like to admit it or not--all ten of those issues crop up in first drafts. I'm sure I have loads of unique vocab I haven't properly explained, passive voice, or prose that needs tightening and what not in my current WIP. Rounds of editing and revision help smooth  that out.

4) What was your favorite part of doing the slush reading?

Saying yes. And not just yes but omg, this right here, pick it pick it PICK IT!

THANK YOU so much for your time, @tangynt!!

About L.L. McKinney:

Fantasy is my first love, particularly urban fantasy. There’s nothing like imagining the impossible happening right here at home. Though science fiction is a close second.

Very close.

About me, let’s see, I’m a freelance writer, a published poet, and a core member of Novel Clique, a writers group that meets weekly here in the Midwest. I’m also a member of YA Lit Chat, and an affiliate member of the Oklahoma Writers Federation, Inc. via Midwest Pen and Ink. So many groups and clubs, almost makes me sound social, doesn’t it?

What else, I live the single life in Kansas, surrounded by more nieces and nephews than I know what to do with. I write for the joy of it, and when it is time for my voice to be heard, God will provide the means.

He always has.

Critique Partners

I participated in SC Author's #Becomeanagent contest this week. Excellent contest, excellent host. Once more, big thanks to SC.

And - Wow. Just, wow. The query I told you about a few weeks ago? The one I was cautiously optimistic about? TANKED!

Really just nosedived - NO ONE liked it.  OUCH.

So, it's back to the drawing board, but once again, because of smart thinking from people who can see everything in my query that I'm too close to see, I have renewed hopes that it can be good one day. Not just I-think-it's-good, but actually, truly good.

And all this has led to today's musings on the importance of a good CP.

We all know what a key piece the puzzle a good critique partner is -- but you know, I'll just say it: It's scary to open your work to someone you've never - and may never - meet in person. Or at least, it is for me.

If you're like me, you send your work to a CP and then you don't really sleep until the critique comes back. You WANT to know what doesn't work, you WANT to know where you're falling short. But it's still nerve wracking. It just is. After all, this is your baby, right? One of them, at least.

Brenda Drake, who many of us know because of her blog and the great contests she generously runs (#Pitmad, anyone?) agreed to share her thoughts on finding and working with critique partners. 

Heather: What are some good questions to ask when considering working with a new CP?

It can be so scary, but it is well worth it. Critiques make our work better and help find holes and things that just aren't working in our manuscripts. 

I think the best questions to ask when deciding if a writer might be your critique partner match would be: What do you write? What do you like to read? How much time do you have for critiquing? How do you like to critique? Do you do line edits or just general notes? How much time do you normally need to do a critique?

Heather: What would be good reasons not to work with someone - meaning, even if someone is accomplished and a good writer, should you pay attention to the differences between you (like personality)? 
I like diversity, so if someone writes something different from me, or their personality isn't like mine, I think that's wonderful. The only time I would not want to work with someone is if he or she is negative. You can tell a lot about a person through a Twitter feed. If the feed is always negative, I'd caution starting a CP relationship. 

Heather: How do you find a CP? 
I haven't looked for a CP in such a long time. I have a small group of friends who are my critique partners. I found them doing NaNoWriMo and participating in contests. I think if you put yourself out there and participate on the hashtags for writer events, you get to know fellow writers. Then all you have to do is ask them. If they tweet about their current work in process and you like the premise, tweet them and tell them you'd love to critique it. It's reaching out that gets you a critique partner. Also, we have www.CPSeek.com where you can post what you're looking for in a critique partner. Others will read it, and if they feel you're a match, they can contact you.

Heather: How many CPs should you work with? And how many people should you agree to be a CP for? 
Each person works differently and needs a different amount of CPs. Some just need one, others need a dozen. It depends on your time and what you can give back to your CPs. I have just a few, and each one offers a special eye to certain elements in a story.

Heather: Sadly, sometimes these professional relationships just don't work out for one reason or another. How do you "break up" without burning bridges? 
I'm a pretty easy going person. I've never had to "break up" with a CP. I think honesty is always best. Just tell them you don't feel like you're connecting enough to their work to give them the critique they deserve. Reading, as we all know, is subjective. Just be kind and direct the problem to yourself than them. Some people can get hurt easily; it's always best to go with the "it's not you, it's me" approach.

Heather: How much work/time should you reasonably expect to ask of a CP? How much work/time should you be expected to make available to CP other people? 
It depends on how much time you have after your day job and family time. I suggest starting out with one to three critique partners and see how it goes. Always be upfront with your critique partners on how much time you have. We all have deadlines, vacations, or just things that happen beyond our control. Keep them informed. I say that you should give your critique partner a few weeks to give you the best critique possible. And you should tell them what to expect from you. If you think you can have it back in two weeks, tell them. Or if something is happening in your life and you need more time, then let them know it might take you longer this time. It's all about communication.

Brenda Drake, the youngest of three children, grew up an Air Force brat and the continual new kid at school. Brenda’s fondest memories growing up is of her eccentric, Irish grandmother’s animated tales, which gave her a strong love for storytelling. So it was only fitting that she would choose to write young adult and middle grade novels with a bend toward the fantastical. When Brenda’s not writing or doing the social media thing, she’s haunting libraries, bookstores, and coffee shops or reading someplace quiet and not at all exotic (much to her disappointment). Brenda is represented by Peter Knapp with Park Literary. Look for her young adult novel, LIBRARY JUMPERS, coming soon.

She runs contests and twitter pitches, and you can find out more on her website: www.brenda-drake.com

And while we're on the subject of critique, here are a few more opportunities for critique workshops:

1) This Friday (2-7), SC Author will post revisions to queries/first 250 for those of you who participated in #Becomeanagent. Anyone can looksee, and all the help is good.

2) Also on Friday, Michelle Hauck will be doing a Critique Workshop on her blog. She's posting the submissions from her two alternates for #TeamSnow. If you entered #sunvvssnow and if you take time to leave feedback on the alternate's submissions, she'll do her best to post your entry for workshopping.
 

Be Brilliant, everyone!!

More Query Critique

Just found another chance for a query critique I wanted to tell you all about:

THIS: http://yastands.blogspot.com/2014/01/letting-your-babies-go-plus-giveaway.htm

This one's a raffle, and you can earn up to 4 chances to win the critique.

Your critiquer: Joshua David Bellin:

Josh is a member of the Pub Hub team (formerly YA Stands for those of you who already follow that blog). He debut novel, the YA sci-fi Survival Colony Nine, comes out in fall 2014. He's repped by Liza Fleissig of Liza Royce Agency.

So, enter!! As Yoda says, (in Bellin's hands, above) "There is no try. There is only do."

I'm definitely entering my YA ms query - would love more eyes and more thoughts about how to make it the query that changes my life. :)

Good Luck!

New Query

No surprise here, the exercise of peeling back my ms to 140 characters was GOOD. I mean, so good, that the Tweets I wrote revealed with painful clarity just how terrible my query letter was. I mean, rancid. UGH. Because it reflected NOT ENOUGH of my book's conflict and only hinted at the catalyzing event.

I was being coy. And it was getting me nowhere. I haven't queried that much, but clearly the letters haven't set anyone's world on fire, so what I was doing wasn't working.

Argh. I want it to be perfect NOW. *Sweats*  Impatient much? Yah. Always. Anyway, I took a hatchet to it, rewrote the thing, and now it's shiny & new. I actually feel cautiously optimistic. I've sent it to one agent (crossing fingers) and am also getting ready for #sunvssnow.

Query Shark is a beautiful thing, by the way: http://queryshark.blogspot.com.
She's brutal, but it's all so very, very good. I made a few very important changes based on critiques of other queries from this blog, which is exactly what Janet Reid (the shark) intends. She's not interested in seeing your query for critique unless you've read her entire archive - hoping that many will answer their own questions just by reading how others have made the same mistakes.

Another great post on writing a good query: http://natashaneagle.com/tag/query-formula

I think we all  feel frustrated on occasion about the difficulty of writing a good query.
If AgentQ could see past my terrible query, he/she would discover my amazing ms!!

But of course, that's not true. Not at all. The thing about the query is, it really does reflect your writing talent. Because if you can clearly, concisely capture your plot, conflict, and characters, you're in command of your work. And your words. And if you can sell it, you're a good candidate for the partnership that is agent-author.

One more note, a bit of irony for me. In my years as a reporter, one of the things that used to set my teeth on edge about the process of moving from job to job in the tv news biz was that in spite of the quality of my work, the job offers usually came down to whether the news director like my presence. My personality. My FACE. I worked simultaneously on being smart, talented, connected, and photogenic, and that always felt a little wrong.

Now as I reinvent myself in this new career, I am judged ONLY by the content of my writing and it's very unsettling. Because I keep thinking, If AgentA could see how nice I am, how personable -- maybe he/she might like my ms!!!

Change is good. Sigh. *Laughs self-deprecatingly*
Wish me luck with the new letter!

Sun VS Snow

So here's something I have read about but haven't tried yet: the query contest.

Winners of the contest will have an opportunity to have their queries and first pages critiqued by agents and mentor writers.

The one I'm eyeing: Sun VS Snow. It's a great concept: enter to win, and you get a solid critique without burning a submission, plus, (obviously!) you get the feedback you so often DON'T get with all those (sigh) rejections.

How To Enter:

http://chasingthecrazies.wordpress.com/2014-sun-vs-snow-query-contest/

Amy Trueblood is the "Sun" half of the authors who are hosting this contest. She's a freelance author "chasing the crazy" (amen!) dream of getting published. She lives in Arizona. (Like me!)

AND:

http://michelle4laughs.blogspot.com/

The other half of the contest - snow - is Michelle Hauck, whose epic fantasy KINDAR'S CURE is published by Divertir Publishing, and who also co-hosts these query contests:  Query Kombat and Nightmare on Query Street.

Good luck everyone!!

Writerly Tip #6: Prune Them and They Will Grow

Too true.
At the very beginning of my querying process, an agent told me my ms was too long. I had to cut at least 40-thousand words. 
It hurt, hurt, hurt, but the truth was, (And I secretly knew this) the cutting was a healthy, good thing. 
What she told me was, cut the first 50 pages. You probably don't need them. Actually, what she said was, you the author needed to write those first 50 pages because they helped you get to know your characters and their backstory. But the book itself, the story itself, really doesn't need them.
And of course she was right.
I cut the first 50 pages, bleeding profusely as I did, and discovered a better book within.
I love what Whedon says because it reminds me of the wisdom of the First 50 Pages rule. Plus, he's right.
I've done that before too - when I found myself looped endlessly in a scene trying to make it make sense, I finally cut it and tried something different.
Tada!!!!!!!
For those of you who garden, this analogy may work: prune them and they will grow.
Thanks to Buzzfeed for the list of 24 quotes from famous writers from whence this quote (and the inspiration for this post) comes.'